A walk down memory lane
Whilst witnessing Clover dearest serenely saying ta-ta to her 20’s this week, I was given the opportunity to admit that I have been ungracefully diving into child-like behavior for the several past weeks. What prompted me to do so? you might ask. Well, the thing is I have bumped into an old classmate from primary school; he then just kept pressing me to join an online group of my former classmates and he would just not back down until I exasperatedly and reluctantly agreed.
You see, at 34 I am no longer quite a social person, probably somewhat atypically recluse in that respect, not the easiest individual to befriend and certainly not willing to reconnect with a past that I don’t totally embrace. I considered that accepting this invitation was an act of controlling damages – and boy, was I wrong!
This person I bumped into used to be the cruelest child who has ever lived – I suspect that he actually tortured innocent little animals for a hobby when he wasn’t rejoicing tormenting me at school. Of course, he’s all grown up now, a husband and a father – and I thought that surely, he must have changed. I, on the other hand, could only see him as the little beastly prick that he used to be, remembering vividly the suffering that his constant bullying brought to my childhood. As a matter of fact, I sometimes ask myself whom I would have been, if we hadn’t crossed paths when I was at such a vulnerable age. Yes, it was that bad! This individual made me think about myself in terms of “not compliant” and disagreeably looking, whereas until then I took pride and content in my nature and appearance.
After we bumped into each other, I was both dreading it and hoping for a heartfelt apology for those obnoxious 3 years, coming from a mature individual who understands and regrets his older cruel self. Riiiight! In my dreams! He just seems to have grown into the smug full-sized version of the boy he was. Plus he spells badly! So no apology, not even a faint trace of recollection of his past behavior… It’s like we’ve been buddies and friends, WTF? I know this is immature, but I kind of cannot get over that! I have tried numerous techniques: going back to that age (mentally and emotionally of course 🙂 ) and talk to the child in me, telling her she was going to get over that and turn out just fine, filtering the emotions through my adult mindset and using my life experience; going back and telling that bully that I understand he was just a scared angry boy who took his frustrations out on innocent people. No use.
So you might be waiting and hoping for a positive, nice happy end. That would be lovely, but I’m sorry, this is not the case. I would love to tell you that I am richer today because I have known humiliation and bullying, but let me tell you, I would rather be blissfully unaware of complex emotional issues. It would also be nice to say that I have forgiven that little boy and that I am now in a most pleasant “zen” state. Not quite. It unnerves me that I am spending my energy o such a subject but I want retribution and as hunting him down, shouting wildly at him and smacking that smug smile off his face is out of the question (wait till I’m PMSing…), at this point a true heartfelt apology would be most welcome. And I am going to ask for one!
So now you know the evil vengeful Venom, too :). But as I am a strong believer in anti-bullying campaigns, I plan to research on and hopefully launch a similar program in my country. Ideas are most welcome!
Vive la résistance!